I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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