i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
