I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
