May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
