so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize