party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
