I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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