my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
