We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
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