then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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