There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
