I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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