Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
