dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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