don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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