The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize