I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
