Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
