So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
