im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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