I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
