The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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