I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
