Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
