I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
