Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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