You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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