Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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