Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
