I puked a lego.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
