You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
how does that bad decision feel?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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