quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
