On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
