Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
