We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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