I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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