I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
