The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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