I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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