You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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