Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
