i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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