smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
