3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
