My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
