What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
