a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
