Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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