How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
