Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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