Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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