the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
