They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
