Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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