ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish you could order shots online.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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