the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
