worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
