just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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