Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
