the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
